I get it. Using words to describe what a wine tastes like is like dancing about architecture. But wine writers do it anyway, and wine readers read it anyway.
Part of the reason: something is better than nothing. And, to be fair, the typical word salad does convey a rough idea of what to expect when you pull the cork or twist the Stelvin closure. Cherry, raspberry, plum for that bottle of red. Apple, citrus, lemon-lime for that bottle of dry white. The words may alert you about flavors or styles you want to avoid, or flavors or styles you enjoy or want to explore.
But I expect another reason people read wine descriptions is the writer’s attempt to be witty, clever, entertaining. Examples:
• For a dry, zero residual sugar wine: “So dry it endangers the water level in swimming pools.”
• For a tannic red built for aging: “So much structure you may have to pay property taxes.”
• For a sauv blanc: “Aromas of gooseberry and honeydew, with a whiff of your neighbor mowing his front lawn.”
• For a cool-climate riesling: “The aroma of petrol is a sign of quality, trust me on this. Give it some time to breath and it will be like that diesel truck was never there.”
• For sweet dessert wine: “So sweet diabetics best consult their physician before sipping.”
• For a low quality, high alcohol wine: “Bottle should be concealed in stained brown paper bag and wine consumed under a highway overpass.”
• For over-the-top butter, oak, and alcohol chard: “So big and voluptuous it makes Marilyn Monroe look like the poor little match girl.”
• For poor quality merlot: “Gives deep insight into the movie Sideways.”
• For extremely refined, expensive Premier Grand Cru Bordeaux: “So elegant and sophisticated it makes Maurice Chevalier look like one of the Three Stooges.”
• For delicious riesling: “Creates an unusual yearning to wear lederhosen.”
• For over-oaked wine: “Tastes like liquid trees.”
• For especially delicious wine: “A foretaste of your experience at the wine bar in heaven.”
• For bottom-shelf supermarket wine: “Perfect if you crave the lowest common denominator.”
• For low-end boxed wine: “Your credit card will love you at check out. Your head, not so much tomorrow morning.”
• For full-bodied red wine: “Easily could compete in a Mr. Universe contest.”
• For very high acidity wine: “Enough acidity to clean hard water stains.”
• For quality rosé: “Good first date wine, assuming you desire a second date.”
Tasting notes:
• Domaine Bousquet Unoaked Chardonnay, Tupungato Uco Valley, Mendoza, Argentina 2023: Clean, bright expression of high altitude Argentine chardonnay made by trailblazer in organic, biodynamic, and regenerative agriculture. $13 Link to my review
• Château Maris La Touge 2019: Straightforward crowd pleaser; affable tannins and acidity allow ripe, flavorful fruits to lead the silky parade on your palate. Excellent integration of darker fruit elements without intrusion of oak. $20-23 Link to my review
• Early Mountain Vineyards Novum, Virginia 2022: Lively, tasty unusual dark fruit blend of Virginia grapes—cab franc, merlot, and tannat. A must-try wine both as a blend you seldom encounter and as an excellent example of a Virginia wine. $60 Link to my review
• Aperture Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon, Sonoma County 2019: Amazingly approachable with silky tannins and mouthfeel. Rich dark fruit flavors. Round, polished. $70 Link ro my review
Last round: In the corn (maize) maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was eerie, but—shucks—I didn’t have a kernel of an idea what to do, so I just played it by ear. Wine time.